Black and white people's truths exposed

Zola Ndlovu, author of "16 Things Black People Wish They Could Explain To Their White Friends" and Hagen Engler, co-writer of "Stuff White People Like" go head-to-head in a Why Do White People VS Why Do Black People battle as they attempt to answer those difficult, unanswered questions about each other's cultures.

Full interview here: 

 

Here is the original article featured on Zola's blog, Mukoko: Domesticated, Not Tamed

 

Over the years, there is one observation I’ve made about black people in various social situations. Amongst fellow black people, we don’t feel the need to explain ourselves; we just ‘get’ each other, even if we’re from different cultural backgrounds. When you’re a black person amongst white people though, there seem to be a million  things you have to explain about yourself and your life.

And most of the time, black people don’t bother explaining because it’s too much of an effort.

In the interests of promoting social understanding and togetherness, here’s a list of things that white people need to know about black people. Very importantly, not all black people are the same, so not all of these will apply equally. Lovely friends, here are 16 things that black people need to explain to their white friends:

1. ‘Bring and share’ parties are a white people thing
If you’re going to organise a party then you should cater for it, it’s a basic principle of hospitality. The idea that I must cater for a party that you are hosting is completely foreign to me. Alas, because it’s your party, I will go with the flow and bring a pack of Doritos, the ones in a blue packet.

2. Underwear must be washed by hand, every day
When you walk into my bathroom you will almost definitely find a few lacy numbers hanging on the rail. Don’t be alarmed. I was taught to wash my undies straight after a bath.

3. Closed guest lists don’t mean a thang to us, if I hear about it, I’m there
Birthday parties, weddings, anniversaries and funerals are free for all. Relatives, friends, enemies, neighbours, people passing by are all welcome! It’s not weird at all when there are random strangers appearing in our wedding videos, it is part of the territory. A closed guest list is a sure way to offend a black person.

4. The words “gap year” don’t exist in our vocabulary
There is no scenario where the words “gap year” can feature positively in a conversation between a black person and their mother, father or relatives. Telling your parents that you’re doing a gap year is telling them that you want to be unemployed for the rest of your life, period.

5. Hair is a political issue
White friend, I know you’ve never had to debate the question of natural hair versus relaxed hair with your white friends. You probably didn’t know the difference. The hair debate isn’t just a silly thing to us, it’s a serious issue.

6. Don’t look surprised, disappointed or whisper behind your hand when black people pile their plates high
Piling your plate high at an event is not gluttony, it’s wholly appropriate if the food is in abundance. We’re not being rude, we’re just being ourselves. Also, don’t laugh when we talk about taking leftovers home for breakfast tomorrow, we’re being serious.

7. Black people don’t do cats
Don’t ask them why because they’ll look at you cross-eyed. We’re okay with you having pet cats but please, please do not expect us to cuddle, kiss or love them. In fact, black people don’t really do pets at all, dogs belong outside and are there as a matter of necessity, there’s no love lost between me and Spotty.

8. Witchcraft is a big deal
This is linked to the fact that black people don’t do cats. Witchcraft is real. As real as the fact that when a black woman is pregnant she doesn’t announce it and everyone around her knows not to ask when she’s due. It’s linked to the fear that she will be bewitched if she reveals that kind of information.

9. Looking at someone in the eye is rude
If I don’t look you in the eye, it’s because I’m showing your respect, not disrespect. Essentially, it’s the opposite of what you think. The younger generation of black folk don’t adhere to this rule much but older people think this is very important.

10. Black people can’t understand you any better when you talk in baby talk/ Chilapalapa
‘Chilapalapa’ is when white people speak an adulterated version of an African vernacular language. Baby talk is when you speak sl—ow–er and in a higher voice when you’re speaking to a black person that you think doesn’t have a full command of English. Condescending much?

11. Mimicry of ‘black accents’ is only funny when black people do it
Just don’t.

12. The wages of disrespecting parents is death
Relating to black parents is a delicate dance and every black child knows what lines not to cross. You never stand when you’re talking to your parents, you lower yourself. You don’t walk away from them, you wait to be dismissed. You don’t enter into a shouting match if you value your life.

13. When you visit our house you can’t sleep on my parents’ bed
In fact, the whole bedroom is out of bounds.

14. It’s not okay to show up anywhere barefooted
This includes church services, the supermarket, a job interview or my birthday party. Bare feet are only okay in the shower or when you’re swimming. No one wants to see your toes, even if they’re pretty or you have cute nail polish on.

15. My parents don’t know that I have a boyfriend and I intend on keeping it that way
Black parents don’t have a relational category called ‘boyfriend’. If he’s not someone who’s ready to pay lobola then he doesn’t exist. They’re not interested in a Facebook relationship status that doesn’t involve a legally binding contract.

16. I’m an only child but I have many siblings
Also, I have many mothers and fathers. What you call first, second and third cousins are just brothers and sisters to me. What you call extended family is just my family.

 

Full List of Stuff White People Like

136. My So Called Life
135. Roller Derby
134. The TED Conference
133. The World Cup
132. Picking Their Own Fruit
131. Conan O’Brien
130. Ray-Ban Wayfarers
129. Banksy
128. Camping
127. Where the Wild Things Are
126. Vespa Scooters
125. Bob Marley
124. Hating People Who Wear Ed Hardy
123. Mad Men
122. Moleskine Notebooks
121. Funny or Ironic Tattoos
120. Taking a Year Off
119. Sea Salt
118. Ugly Sweater Parties
117. Political Prisoners
116. Black Music that Black People Don’t Listen to Anymore
115. Promising to Learn a New Language
114. America
113. Halloween
112. Hummus
111. Pea Coats
110. Frisbee Sports
109. The Onion
108. Appearing to Enjoy Classical Music
107. Self Aware Hip Hop References
106. Facebook
105. Unpaid Internships
104. Girls with Bangs
103. Sweaters
102. Children’s Games as Adults
101. Being Offended
100. Bumper Stickers
99. Grammar
98. The Ivy League
97. Scarves
96. New Balance Shoes
95. Rugby
94. Free Healthcare
93. Music Piracy
92. Book Deals
91. San Francisco
90. Dinner Parties
89. St. Patrick’s Day
88. Having Gay Friends
87. Outdoor Performance Clothes
86. Shorts
85. The Wire
84. T-Shirts
83. Bad Memories of High School
82. Hating Corporations
81. Graduate School
80. The Idea of Soccer
79. Modern Furniture
78. Multilingual Children
77. Musical Comedy
76. Bottles of Water
75. Threatening to Move to Canada
74. Oscar Parties
73. Gentrification
72. Study Abroad
71. Being the only white person around
70. Difficult Breakups
69. Mos Def
68. Michel Gondry
67. Standing Still at Concerts
66. Divorce
65. Co-Ed Sports
64. Recycling
63. Expensive Sandwiches
62. Knowing What’s Best for Poor People
61. Bicycles
60. Toyota Prius
59. Natural Medicine
58. Japan
57. Juno
56. Lawyers
55. Apologies
54. Kitchen Gadgets
53. Dogs
52. Sarah Silverman
51. Living by the Water
50. Irony
49. Vintage
48. Whole Foods and Grocery Co-ops
47. Arts Degrees
46. The Sunday New York Times
45. Asian Fusion Food
44. Public Radio
43. Plays
42. Sushi
41. Indie Music
40. Apple Products
39. Netflix
38. Arrested Development
37. Renovations
36. Breakfast Places
35. The Daily Show/Colbert Report
34. Architecture
33. Marijuana
32. Vegan/Vegetarianism
31. Snowboarding
30. Wrigley Field
29. 80s Night
28. Not having a TV
27. Marathons
26. Manhattan (now Brooklyn too!)
25. David Sedaris
24. Wine
23. Microbreweries
22. Having Two Last Names
21. Writers Workshops
20. Being an expert on YOUR culture
19. Traveling
18. Awareness
17. Hating their Parents
16. Gifted Children
15. Yoga
14. Having Black Friends
13. Tea
12. Non-Profit Organizations
11. Asian Girls
10. Wes Anderson Movies
9. Making you feel bad about not going outside
8. Barack Obama
7. Diversity
6. Organic Food
5. Farmer’s Markets
4. Assists
3. Film Festivals
2. Religions their parents don’t belong to
1. Coffee