Experts share in-law red flags that could evolve into something serious
Everybody wants a good, healthy relationship with their in-laws, but it doesn't always go to plan...
Evil stepmothers and in-laws are common characters in everything from movies to fantasy novels.
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However, these bad characters are not that common in real life, but navigating your relationship with your future in-laws can be challenging.
Topics such as grandchildren, moving, or other personal choices can quickly change the dynamics between you and your partner's parents.
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Even if you make a terrible first impression, relationships evolve and grow as people get to know each other, and that one incident could soon be long forgotten.
According to multiple therapists, there are a few factors that you can spot early on that might indicate whether or not there are possible obstacles that can appear between you and your in-laws down the line.
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Experts explain these three major red flags and how to address them to avoid conflict with your in-laws.
1. Your Partner Can’t Separate Their Needs from Their Parents’
Boundaries are an important part of everyday life, whether it's between you and your friends, coworkers, or in-laws.
When a partner cannot separate their own identity/life from that of their parents, it's a clear issue.
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Similar to boundary issues, there can be challenges when a partner can’t separate their own life or identity from their parents', and struggles to prioritise their relationship while keeping their parents happy.
The first step that helps the most is to talk to your partner with compassion and empathy rather than in an accusatory way.
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Caitlin Slavens, registered psychologist and clinical director at Couples to Cradles Counselling, advises that “It is important to recognise that your partner has had a lifetime of experiences with their family before you entered the picture,” and that people should focus on how certain behaviours make them feel as opposed to being accusatory.
Instead of saying, ’Your mom is overbearing,’ try, ‘I feel uneasy after your mom questions our parenting decisions every time we go there. It can be hard to relax when I am there. What can we do to be on the same page the next time your mom comments on our parenting choices?’
Being aligned as a couple is incredibly important and will help in situations like this, which is why communication is imperative.
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Matt Lundquist, psychotherapist, founder and clinical director of Tribeca Therapy, says, “What therapists see over and over again are the consequences of putting off addressing these issues rather than moving towards the challenge.
The counsel here is for the concerned partner to state their sincere desire to have the best relationship possible with future in-laws. While it may be harder in the short term, it’s better to talk openly about concerns.”
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Maintaining certain boundaries, even when it is very hard, can help reduce the risk that these dynamics will stress you out in the long run.
2. Boundary Violations That Add Up Over Time
As previously mentioned, boundaries are a common complaint among family therapists who work with those struggling with in-laws.
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Amanda E. White, LPC, licensed therapist and CEO of Therapy for Women Center, explains that she sees boundary issues as an early warning sign because if someone’s partner never lets a friend drop by unannounced, but it’s fine when their mother does, that inconsistency could be a problem.
Boundary issues that pop up early, such as overreaching or unexpected visits, could signal challenges to come.
Especially when grandkids are involved.
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Again, couples need to be aligned on their boundaries and how they should be respected.
“If one partner takes over leading all the boundary conversations with the in-laws, it creates triangulation and scapegoating,” White said, adding that it can be helpful for the person, whose direct family is involved, to take the first line of communication.
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Setting boundaries doesn't need to be combative; it simply shows where the line is.
3. When Your Partner’s Family Just Avoids Conflict Completely
Issues with in-laws are not always blowout fights, arguments or tension-driven conversations.
One of the biggest warning signs is when the family avoids conflict completely.
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Matt Lundquist, a psychotherapist and founder and clinical director of Tribeca Therapy, says there is always an incentive to keep the relationship with in-laws pleasant and without issues, which will also avoid conflict with your spouse.
This leads to conflict being suppressed and swept under the carpet.
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Avoiding conflict can lead to simmering tension, treading carefully around your partner's family and resentment.
Oftentimes, this dynamic arises when your partner grew up in a conflict-avoidant household.
I [would] pay attention to how conflict gets handled in their family system. If disagreements are avoided or swept under the rug, those patterns will show up in the relationship with in-laws.
These conversations can be uncomfortable, but avoidance can make things worse.
Being uncomfortable usually means that something is worth discussing.
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How to Cope With Negative Feelings About In-Laws
Even after communicating with your partner or in-laws, you may still feel negative feelings.
You aren't the only person to ever experience this, and therapists emphasise that these feelings are normal.
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“Having these feelings does not make you unkind,” said Slavens.
It can be valuable to reflect on your emotions, either through journaling or talking with a friend, family member or therapist.
“Remember, joining another family can be complicated, especially when roles, boundaries, expectations, and values differ. It can help to reframe negative self-talk, such as reminding yourself, ‘I can be both a loving person and not allow others to disrespect me,'" says Slavens.
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Another suggestion is self-regulation before or after your interactions with future in-laws.
“For example, [consider] taking a walk before gatherings, debriefing with their partner afterwards, or setting time limits on visits,” White said, encouraging people to recognise what they can and can’t control.
They cannot control their in-laws’ behaviour or opinions. They can control how much time they spend with them, what information they share, and how they respond.
It’s all fine to recognise and accept that there are times when outside help may be essential.
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Counselling can be helpful when a couple cannot seem to get on the same page, especially in this regard.
“Part of what makes these relationships so difficult is that they exist for the adult child at the intersection of two families, what we call the ‘family-of-origin’ and the new family they’re building with their spouse,” Lundquist said, pointing out that this person is now in the middle and may feel pulled in two directions.
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Having a completely outside and neutral perspective from a counsellor or therapist could be what is needed.
You also don't have to wait until the argument or conflict reaches an extreme boiling point before asking for or seeking help.
Seeing a counsellor or family therapist can help prevent problems in navigating family dynamics.
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