Psychology experts explain why its hard to cut ties with toxic frenemies
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer... but what about our frenemies?
Friends are an essential part of human existence.
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For those who don't have family, their chosen family is often all they have.
While friends are meant to support you and love you, certain friendships may be more questionable than others.
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Many of us have had that one friend who celebrates you and your wins, but will casually slip in a backhanded compliment or say something truly hurtful.
That person who constantly jumps back and forth between friend and foe.
A frenemy, if you will.
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Psychologists have defined frenemy relationships as: "Relationships, often negative, steeped in situational ties and shared social connections that outwardly appear friendly but are fraught with underlying competition, jealousy, or distrust.”
In the study published in the Southern Communication Journal, the researchers found that frenemy relationships displayed three prominent characteristics:
- Competitiveness (viewing the other more as a rival to outdo than a friend to support).
- Jealousy (in terms of social connections or material possessions).
- Distrust (a lack of respect and care in the friendship).
These relationships often create stress instead of comfort. It’s hard to build trust with someone who is a ‘frenemy.’ These relationships can be harmful to your mental health. Most of the time, it’s better to step back and put energy into people who are genuine and have your best interest at heart.
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If the relationship is problematic and more unpleasant than it's worth, why do we stick around?
Here are some of the answers relationship experts and psychologists can provide.
1. You have a long shared history
- People may have shared many enjoyable memories and not always been frenemies.
- They tend to forgive and forget, the mix of positive and negative making it harder to end the relationship.
- The person likely offered emotional support in the past and shared resources with you.
- Focusing solely on the positive can dilute the impact of the negative or cause you to overlook it entirely.
On a deeper level, individuals may retain frenemies to preserve a sense of personal continuity or because the relationship is tied to significant life experiences or developmental stages
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2. You don't realise they're frenemies
- You ignore how your friends treat you and make you feel.
- This makes it easy to maintain a relationship.
- Once you begin to evaluate your emotions and needs in relationship contexts, it will become clear who your real friends are.
- Your capacity to notice and consider these factors could be limited by other circumstances.
If someone is insecure, they may not even realise that the other person is a frenemy. Also, if someone doesn’t have many friends, they may delude themselves into thinking that someone is better than no one and something is better than nothing.
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3. The relationship provides advantages
- Some people want to maintain a friendship for its strategic purposes.
- For power or resources, such as access to a private club or connections: having a frenemy with high social status can boost your own social standing.
- You might even feel that your frenemy plays a valuable role in teaching you to navigate certain situations.
In some instances, frenemies serve a practical purpose by providing access to social connections, resources, or professional opportunities, which reinforces the relationship even when it causes psychological strain. They can also teach you how to spot mixed intentions in people. And they sometimes provide honest feedback, even if it’s sharp.
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4. Your attachment style makes you keep them around
- People who are afraid of abandonment or have anxious attachment styles are less likely to end unhealthy relationships.
- Psychologically, individuals with insecure attachment patterns, particularly those with anxious or preoccupied styles, may find the uncertainty in these relationships familiar or emotionally absorbing.
Low self-esteem, fear of rejection and a strong need for external validation can also lead individuals to remain in relationships that are inconsistent or emotionally taxing.
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5. The relationship fuels your competitive nature
- Frenemies could motivate you to improve yourself - but the motivation can stem from an unhealthy level of competition.
- Instead of genuinely supporting each other, it is about constantly one-upping each other.
- The competitive nature isn’t an effective source of motivation over time.
If you and your friends are highly competitive, whether that be around social status, sports, finance or any other area, you may keep frenemies around because you believe that they ‘keep your edge. Interestingly enough, the research shows that having compassionate friends increases your success more than having shallow, or competitive friends.
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6. You don’t want to violate societal expectations and norms.
- It’s considered normal to break up with an intimate partner when the relationship is failing, but there is no equivalent for problematic friendships.
- People have a hard time distancing themselves from friends because there is no socially acceptable way to do it.
- There are also cultural expectations around politeness in social interactions.
The desire to avoid conflict and concern for one’s reputation may also discourage people from setting clear boundaries or ending the relationship.
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7. Social cohesion is important to you
- Frenemies are often part of overlapping networks: friends groups, workplaces or families.
- This makes it difficult to fully disengage without experiencing social consequences.
- People prefer to remain socially connected to the group and the frenemy situation is a price they are willing to pay.
- You may feel you are either ‘in’ or ‘out’ of the group.
It could be challenging to maintain ties with genuine friends and distance yourself from the frenemy. This could require more skillful navigation to manage.
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8. You choose to maintain the relationship but have set boundaries.
- A person who recognises a frenemy may keep limitations and overlook or lessen the hurt.
- They approach it by engaging with the frenemy in certain contexts that feel safe or enjoyable.
- They know not to rely on these frenemies for deep emotional needs.
- These boundaries can help maintain the relationship in small doses without affecting your overall well-being and self-esteem.
- This kind of selective engagement should be a conscious choice; be honest with yourself and check in to determine the boundaries that work for you.
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